Apparently I lost you
by thundervolt
Summary: The words that Mark once told me flashed through my mind. Walk tall Torres. Somehow, this time, they feel different from all the other times. They may be harder to believe now but I've got to remind myself that I am worth more than this, more than any of them has ever given me


**OMG A NEW FANFIC! Please do no send your hellhound after me, I did not forget about You and you alone. I'm still waiting after that bitch called muse, she's like two weeks late! But while you wait, heres some Calzona fic! Since I didnt suffer enough through the last two seasons I've decide to bring myself more pain...OH WHY?!**

**As per usual i dont own anything blablabla...Song: Leave by matchbox 20**

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_It's amazing  
How you make your face just like a wall  
How you take your heart and turn it off  
How I turn my head and lose it all_

It's unnerving  
How just one move puts me by myself  
There you go just trusting someone else  
Now I know I put us both through hell

« Apparently I lost you»

The silence is deafening. Which I find kind of hilarious since silence is the absence of noise and here I am saying that the silence was making me deaf. Is it what we call irony? I don't know. At that moment I don't know anything really. But here's the one thing that I do know, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! I've given her everything and I've been given a great beaten in return. I took all the abuse, the blame and accusations. I did not think once of even sleeping with someone else during those five months, not once! And being cheated on is what I get in return. How is that fair? I walk towards the door and grab my lab coat. Just as I'm about to reach my way out she steps in front of me, arm raising and mouth opening.

_I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong  
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me  
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on  
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me_

« Don't » is all I say while I keep on walking. I don't have much strength for anything more let alone to have to listen to how she didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. Or perhaps that she simply didn't mean any of it, which I'll believe to be a lie anyway. I can't help but to believe every single word that left her mouth. How could it have been so bad that cheating on me would have become the next logical step? And how did I not see it coming? I close the door on my way out and stand in the middle of the hallway not knowing what to do or where to go. I hang my head wishing that all of this would be a terrible dream or nightmare rather. That I would wake up and find Arizona in the kitchen arguing with Mark over something stupid. But this, this is the life that we lost. Mark is dead and Arizona is… I don't want to think about that now.

_It's aggravating  
How you threw me on and you tore me out  
How your good intentions turn to doubt  
The way you needed time to sort it out_

I can feel the tears start again. I can't be seen crying in the middle of this hallway. I've given enough to the gossip mills throughout the years but I just can't help myself. The words that Mark once told me flashed through my mind. Walk tall Torres. Somehow, this time, they feel different from all the other times. They may be harder to believe now but I've got to remind myself that I am worth more than this, more than any of them has ever given me. I fought, I loved, I lost and I should walk tall. I quickly wipe the tears off of my face and begin to walk toward the attending's lounge so I could change and get home where I'll be able to fall apart without being seen or judged. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I'm not ready to forgive, I can't even think of doing so right now or in the near future. An inability that I've once been told I had by the very person who'll probably be asking for it.

_But if that's how it's gonna leave  
Straight out from underneath  
Then we'll see who's sorry now  
If that's how it's gonna stand, when  
You know you've been depending on  
The one you're leaving now  
The one you're leaving out_

I hurry home and relieve the babysitter. I give her an extra because being stuck with a baby during a power outage must've been something from nightmares. I go make sure that Sofia is well asleep before making my way to my room. I sit on my side of the bed and let out the longest breath and I can feel my shoulder drop. I am so tired and defeated. I never thought I'd be here ever again. How could this happen again? Am I not meant to be loved or something? I know I shouldn't blame myself but the common denominator has always been me.

_I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong  
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me_

I hear the front door open and I instinctively tense up. I'm preparing myself for what is about to come. For a discussion that I do not want to have. I hear her footsteps come nearer but she stop first by Sofia's room which give me another minute or so to brace myself. I hear Arizona pause at the door of our bedroom before entering. I close my eyes and make my decision before she can say anything. « I think you should pack and leave. » I say without looking at her because I might reconsider if I do.

_Tell me is that how it's going to end  
When you know you've been depending on  
The one you're leaving now  
And the one you're leaving out_

I feel her sit on her side of the bed but she doesn't say anything for a while. « What about Sofia? » She finally ask. «We'll figure something out but for now I need you to go. » I answer her. « Okay ».

_The one you're leaving now  
The one you're leaving out_

And here was that damn silence again.


End file.
